Vintage Technology Club

Gateway Acquires eMachines

"Junk Meets Garbage"

Irvine, Calif., March 11, 2004 - Gateway, Inc. announced today that it has completed its acquisition of eMachines, one of the fastest-growing, most despised PC companies in the U.S. witch was owned by the HP-Compaq giant, for 50 million shares of useless ass might-as-well-have-stock-in-Enron Gateway common stock, and a cool $30 million cash.

Following the close of the acquisition today, which was initially announced on Jan. 30, eMachines CEO Wayne Inouye (a crack smoking homosexual) was named CEO of Gateway, succeeding Ted Waitt, (a child raping pedophile) who remains chairman and the company's largest stockholder. Rod Sherwood (you don't even want to now what he does) continues to serve as the company's CFO.

"This is a great day for both Gateway and eMachines," The flaming homosexual Mr. Waitt said. "While there is considerable work ahead for us, I am confident that we will make fast progress at building a disgraceful, disorganized and failing company."

As Gateway works on bringing the two terrible organizations together, it will focus on expanding its joint product line into new channels and markets and adopting many elements of eMachines' highly defective operating model. "Everyone must have caught on that we [Gateway] made the worst computer you could buy, while eMachines is awful in its own right, there market mostly applies to mindless zombie like fools who look only at the price tag, and nothing else when purchasing a home computer," said Mr. Waitt.

Gateway will also benefit from increased scale. The company will be the third-largest player in the U.S. PC market, with nearly 7% of the U.S. PC market and more than 25% of the U.S. retail PC market. It will also be the eighth-largest PC company in the world, with growing sales in key international markets, including the UK, Japan and western Europe, the poor unknowing bastards!

As a result, Gateway expects to return to sustained profitability for 2005 as it benefits from increased sales growth, new cost savings and overall profit-mindedness.

Mr. Inouye said, "By offering the customer multiple brands through multiple sales channels, Gateway will fool everyone who knows we suck, but don't know anything about eMachines" This act of consumer "bamboozlement" is a positive step for Gateway and its stockholders, but most certainly a negative step for its customers.

"We intend to get to work fast to solidify Gateway's historical standing as the industry's most conniving, scheming, sly, shifty and untrustworthy player, with a notoriously horrible reputation for poor quality and unreliability across our product line and among all our customer segments," he added. We decided to ask a few technicians what their opinions of the merger and the two companies are, here's what they told us: "Its junk meets garbage" Said an angry former Gateway customer at PCWarehouse in Orange, CT. "I hate both companies, and cant fathom how their both still in business, and now there going to be a poorly built computer superpower!?, I guess I'm going to be making lot more repairs from now on" Said high school technician Jonathan Helmers. "When people come to our store [Gateway Country] to buy a new PC, we usually tell them to go down the street to a local computer store, because if we do make a sale, there's a 85% chance it will be back with some massive problem in a few days, and I just don't want to deal with that. Said a salesman from one of the now defunct Gateway Country stores. "We made the Gateway mistake" Said Trumbull Connecticut Public Schools Assistant Superintendent, Marjorie Anctil. Unfortunately this has been a phrase commonly heard among technicians from Gateway customers for years.
As disclosed previously in a filing with the U.S. Securities and Exchange Commission, Mr. Inouye's compensation includes options to purchase 10 million shares of that utterly useless Gateway common stock, issued at a per share exercise price of $0.02 which represents today's closing price of Gateway's plummeting shares. The options will vest over the course of a back-loaded, four-year timeframe, intended to encourage long-term retention, with a vesting schedule of one-tenth, two-tenths, three-tenths and four-tenths of the options over each of the next four years.

In addition, 29 eMachines employees in management roles have been granted a total of 2.4 million shares of Gateway stock upon their employment with the company, subject to entering into a stockholders' agreement. "Why are you giving us that god awful stock!" Said sobbing eMachines upper management employee, Builda Badcomp. The 2.4 million shares are included in the aggregate 50 million shares issued by Gateway in the transaction.

About Gateway

Since its founding in 1985, Gateway (NYSE: GTW) has been a technology and direct-marketing pioneer, using its call centers, web site and inconvenient network of useless Gateway only retail stores to build indirect customer relationships. As a branded integrator of personalized technology solutions, Gateway offers its unlucky consumers, businesses and schools a narrow range of enterprise systems and other products, which work against its smash with a hammer-winning line of PCs. More recently they've tried to screw more customers, with a line of inferior thin TVs, digital cameras, and connected DVD players. Its products and services received nearly 130,000 complaints a day and dissatisfied customers last year. With its acquisition of eMachines now complete, Gateway is the third largest PC company in the U.S. and among the top ten worldwide. Visit gatewaysucks.com for more information.