"Junk Meets Garbage"
Calif., March 11, 2004 - Gateway, Inc.
announced today that it has completed its acquisition
of eMachines, one of the fastest-growing,
most despised PC companies in the U.S. witch was owned
by the HP-Compaq giant, for 50 million shares of useless
ass might-as-well-have-stock-in-Enron Gateway
common stock, and a cool $30 million cash.
Following the close of the acquisition today, which was
initially announced on Jan. 30, eMachines CEO Wayne
Inouye (a crack smoking homosexual) was named CEO of
Gateway, succeeding Ted Waitt, (a child raping pedophile)
who remains chairman and the company's largest
stockholder. Rod Sherwood (you don't even want to now
what he does) continues to serve as the company's CFO.
"This is a great day for both Gateway and eMachines,"
The flaming homosexual Mr. Waitt said. "While there
is considerable work ahead for us, I am confident that
we will make fast progress at building a disgraceful,
disorganized and failing company."
As Gateway works on bringing the two terrible
organizations together, it will focus on expanding its
joint product line into new channels and markets and
adopting many elements of eMachines' highly defective
operating model. "Everyone must have caught on that
we [Gateway] made the worst computer you could buy,
while eMachines is awful in its own right, there market
mostly applies to mindless zombie like fools who look
only at the price tag, and nothing else when purchasing
a home computer," said Mr. Waitt.
Gateway will also benefit from increased scale. The
company will be the third-largest player in the U.S. PC
market, with nearly 7% of the U.S. PC market and more
than 25% of the U.S. retail PC market. It will also be
the eighth-largest PC company in the world, with growing
sales in key international markets, including the UK,
Japan and western Europe, the poor unknowing bastards!
As a result, Gateway expects to return to sustained
profitability for 2005 as it benefits from increased
sales growth, new cost savings and overall
Mr. Inouye said, "By offering the customer multiple
brands through multiple sales channels, Gateway will
fool everyone who knows we suck, but don't know anything
about eMachines" This act of consumer "bamboozlement"
is a positive step for Gateway and its stockholders, but
most certainly a negative step for its customers.
"We intend to get to work fast to solidify
Gateway's historical standing as the industry's most conniving,
scheming, sly, shifty and untrustworthy player, with a notoriously
horrible reputation for poor quality and unreliability
across our product line and among all our customer
segments," he added. We decided to ask a few
technicians what their opinions of the merger and the
two companies are, here's what they told us: "Its
junk meets garbage" Said an angry former Gateway
customer at PCWarehouse in Orange, CT.
"I hate both companies, and cant fathom how their
both still in business, and now there going to be a
poorly built computer superpower!?, I guess I'm going to
be making lot more repairs from now on" Said high
school technician Jonathan Helmers. "When people
come to our store [Gateway Country] to buy a new PC, we
usually tell them to go down the street to a local
computer store, because if we do make a sale, there's a
85% chance it will be back with some massive problem in
a few days, and I just don't want to deal with that.
Said a salesman from one of the now defunct Gateway
Country stores. "We made
the Gateway mistake" Said Trumbull Connecticut
Public Schools Assistant Superintendent, Marjorie
Anctil. Unfortunately this has been a phrase
commonly heard among technicians from Gateway customers
As disclosed previously in a filing with the U.S.
Securities and Exchange Commission, Mr. Inouye's
compensation includes options to purchase 10 million
shares of that utterly useless Gateway common stock,
issued at a per share exercise price of $0.02 which
represents today's closing price of Gateway's plummeting
shares. The options will vest over the course of a
back-loaded, four-year timeframe, intended to encourage
long-term retention, with a vesting schedule of
one-tenth, two-tenths, three-tenths and four-tenths of
the options over each of the next four years.
In addition, 29 eMachines employees in management roles
have been granted a total of 2.4 million shares of
Gateway stock upon their employment with the company,
subject to entering into a stockholders' agreement.
"Why are you giving us that god awful stock!"
Said sobbing eMachines upper management employee, Builda
Badcomp. The 2.4 million shares are included in the
aggregate 50 million shares issued by Gateway in the
|Since its founding
in 1985, Gateway (NYSE: GTW) has been a technology and
direct-marketing pioneer, using its call centers, web
site and inconvenient network of useless Gateway only
retail stores to build indirect customer relationships.
As a branded integrator of personalized technology
solutions, Gateway offers its unlucky consumers,
businesses and schools a narrow range of enterprise
systems and other products, which work against its smash
with a hammer-winning line of PCs. More recently they've
tried to screw more customers, with a line of inferior
thin TVs, digital cameras, and connected DVD
players. Its products and services received nearly
130,000 complaints a day and dissatisfied customers last
year. With its acquisition of eMachines now complete,
Gateway is the third largest PC company in the U.S. and
among the top ten worldwide. Visit gatewaysucks.com
for more information.
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